All I Wanted Was A Life of My Own, Part 2

As a battered old man I sat there and waited. Death was coming, or it had come and gone, and I still sat here, by the window. Color flashed, and there was pain. Pain that reflected in the window. I smiled and laughed when the visitors came, but just like that they were gone, and I remained by the window pane.

And then one day, she came to me. She came and showed me pretty things, which I reached out for and she let me hold, sun-catchers, dream-holders, things I used to know, but had since forgotten, belonging to the life that wasn't mine to have. And the power in them, oh, the power. Something in me longed for it, for it to course through my being, like it had before.

And why not? If it had once been mine, why not?

So I, in my flannel and jeans, stood before my window and reached, with all my might. And it came, everything, all at once. The power coursed through me, beginning in my feet. I ran with the wind. Faster and faster, higher and higher, my old wings brought me to the heavens, where I ran out of air.

I grasped at nothing, burning more and more power to stay adrift, and with a final burst of everything I had, I reached again, just to stay, and I fell. Death became me as I burned, falling, falling, ever falling, until there was nowhere left to fall to. I burned and burned and from my ashes, I moved.

Here I am, new. I spread my wings and lifted. Here I am, again. New. New. Up, I knew. Up up.

And in my hands were my dream-holders. And in my eyes were my sun-catchers. I was the power I sought, and I was all the time.

"There'll be that crowd to make men wild through all the centuries,
And maybe there'll be some young belle walk out to make men wild
Who is my beauty's equal, though that my heart denies,
But not the likeness, the simplicity of a child,
And that proud look as though she had gazed into the burning sun,
And all the shapely body no tittle gone astray,
I mourn for that most lonely thing; and yet God's will be done,
I knew a phoenix in my youth, so let them have their day."

-from "His Phoenix" by W.B. Yeats, The Wild Swans at Coole, 1919.

All I Wanted Was A Life of My Own

Consider the homeless man. No one wants him around, and so he sleeps wherever he wants, whenever he wants. He goes and comes as he feels. And is he miserable? Maybe.

It's the same as Huck Finn I would think. Someone who never had much to care for can never find themselves caring about more than that, even when it is handed to them. They appreciate the gesture, or so I would assume, but how often is it that they change to be something new?

And then consider the suburban housewife who runs around all day trying to make meaningless ends meet. Soccer practice, PTA meetings, groceries, and finding time for Ellen or Oprah (depending on preference of course). And she is probably just as miserable as the homeless man!

Which is why I went back. I stood outside in the cold, letting my hair freeze, waiting for that big, tall, insanely politically incorrect punk to open the door and smile and say "Welcome back." And the moment I picked up that pencil, facing my grey Stonehenge, I could simply smile and consider everything that I had just gotten back. And there is nothing else but me, right here, right now.

Consider the point, the line, the plane. Consider how in this space, there is really one true placement, one true gesture, one true size. From point a to point b, there are infinite possibilities, once you know the rules. And what are the rules? Would you know? Can you tell?

"It's just like riding a bike" Ryan said, looking over from his canvas. And I smiled and considered. Yes, yes it is.

On Family

While I dearly love my brother, I have to admit he is at a loss being a boy and all. I think I already wrote on him, so I wont go on about him. I actually was going to talk about my sisters.

We came in pairs. First there was me and Camille. The two extremes that you could have using the same pairs of genes. I mean, really, there aren't two people more different than me and Camille. And I love her for it. But the age thing, that is really a big thing because it means we shared a) the same parents b) the same teachers c) the same schools d) the same groups of people (we managed to have different friends for the most part). And in talking to Makayla, I think it all comes down to an observation: comfortability doesn't mean close. Being around Camille isn't comfortable. Comforting sometimes, but hardly comfortable. And yet, Camille and I are close-because we came in a pair.

Then there was Miriam and Clarissa, who are also opposites, but not in extremes. They are a captivating pair actually. And if Camille and I are extremes, these two are the opposite of that. As liberal as I am, Clarissa is less so. As conservative as Camille is, she is matched by Miriam. Ironic, that they are the most mixed pair, the most intertwined.

Then there was Rae. And Rae, though part of a pair, is very very distinct. Her other is Ben, and obviously he doesn't really count as being part of the group of girls. Not only that, their pairing is as distant as the space between Camille and Miriam. So in actuality, they just coexist as separate factions. But Rae is the moderator. She sides with nobody and relates to everyone. She, in her being the youngest, has inherited the insight of both pairs of sisters. While she is attracted to my distinct eccentricity, she also is admires Camille's class. While she laughs with Miriam, she can run with Clarissa (or play ball as is normally the case). She not a fencesitter, but the point. The point that is both included in the group, but is not because she is alone. And it is that strength to be alone that I admire. While it takes strength to recognize your pairing and make it work, it is far harder to be alone. Far far harder.

But Rae will never be alone, because we will never leave her. None of us will, because she completes us. She is our center.

And the even more important thing to note, besides our differences, is the fact that we act as a family. We are a unit that exists to build and sustain the others. Is that not so? It is an empowering notion, when it works. And it is one that depends on our individuality. Because all our smiles are not the same.

To see what Camille said about the sisterhood, check out her blog, at http://cacacamille.blogspot.com/.